“Where’s Clara?” Harry murmurs to herself before stumbling through the door. “I don’t k- I want to just stop, and just…just stop and everything and find out and stop feeling and everything.” She lets herself be led into the living room, the warm sensation of another person’s hand guiding her.
She feels a warm, furry creature around her legs, but makes no move to pick Toby up, despite her typical affection for cats. “I want to stop feeling,” she tightens her grip on Molly’s hand, “don’t you know what that feels like? Do you know what it feels like to not feel?”
She’s in the process of walking through the living room when Harry’s words hit her. Standing frozen she turns a sad smile on her lips. “No I don’t. I don’t believe I ever will.” she says before looking down at their clasped hands, her thumb moving over the back of Harry’s hand. “Feelings are what make up truly human. The ability to love, to hate, to envy, to regret. They make us human and you shouldn’t want to stop feeling Harry.” she breathed out softly before pulling her hand away. “Here sit, I’m going to go get you something to eat and some tea.”
After putting the kettle on Molly searched for something, anything really to feed the woman in her living room. As she searched she couldn’t help but think.She thought about who Clara was and why exactly Harry wanted to be numb. She knew the two were connected and that Clara had to be a lover and family member. Most likely the former of the two.
Harry stumbles onto the couch and sits herself down, her head suddenly feeling as though it was lurching downwards. “Well I can tell you, feelings suck,” she says to no one in particular, “I mean, all it does is make you worry, and take it from me; it’s shit advice if someone tells you not to worry, when it’s an instinct to do just that.” Letting her head rest on the cushion, Harry closes her eyes, still feeling the warm body of Toby around her foot.
“Feelings suck. Everything sucks. It’s all stupid, how we’re so caught up with our emotions, and our feelings, and everything!” She tries to stand mid-sentence, only to stumble and fall back onto the sofa. When her body hits the sofa, she feels as though she’s been slammed down. Upon that slam, she feels her own emotions rise up, choking her. Another tear rolls down, and it gets harder to breathe.
She finds the feeling familiar; that choking sensation when you cry so little, struggling to hold it in, to keep yourself together. Harry knew a long time ago that her ‘moments’, were usually solved, though momentarily, through drinking. It helped give her a moment’s peace, that small bit of calm before she could finally have undisturbed sleep. “Screw feelings.”